Tributes >> Fil Gelfuso

February 9, 1944 - October 28, 2003

Fil Gelfuso will be greatly missed by friends, family and everyone at HERS. 

The staff and volunteers here have been blessed to know Fil, and to share in the joy she brought to life, and to those all around her.

Back in June 2001, the HERS Board of Directors knew we wanted to ask Fil to be Co-chair of our event, along with Bernie Dutra, but we were hesitant because her health was fragile even then. How blessed we have been that Fil not only said a resounding "Yes!" to being co-chair, but that her husband Tony volunteered to be Master of Ceremonies. What a dynamic duo!

In addition, they volunteered their time, care and expertise as Board members for two years. Fil's creativity and passion were a perfect fit for helping us grow as a community organization reaching out to women and loved ones facing breast cancer.

Thank you Fil for your effervescent love and goodness for HERS, and for everyone you encountered. We miss you already.

Tricia J. McMahon, D. Min
HERS Co-Founder and President of the Board
 

Above: Women of Courage and Strength release their doves at the 2003 Keep Abreast Walk.

[left to right]: Loretta (friend of Fil), Gayleen (Fil's sister), Tricia, Fil, Joanne (Fil's sister), and Bernie

[At left, Fil and Bernie address the participants at the 2003 Keep Abreast Walk]

After Fil & Bernie's presentation on the stage, I spontaneously asked Fil if she would like to be this year's Official Race Starter. I will never forget how her eyes lit up with great joy in saying yes!

As I escorted her to the starting block we practiced the words: Runners, Set, Go... With her son Brian by her side she got the 5K race off to a great start.

I am deeply touched to have known Fil. She is a model of inspiration and strength. A woman of courage to celebrate and remember always.

Cheryl A. Maloney, D. Min.
HERS Co-Founder & Executive Director

I

HERS Tribute to Fil

November 3, 2003
Written and presented by Tricia J. McMahon, D. Min.
HERS Breast Cancer Foundation
President of the Board

My name is Tricia McMahon, one of the many students enriched by the goodness and good nature of Mr. Tony Gelfuso.  That was thirty-some years ago.

Tony, Fil and I saw each other occasionally over those years. But it was Tony’s phone call in February 2001 that held not only the command of the ‘teacher,’ but the aching heart of a husband as he told me about Fil’s diagnosis and asked me, in no uncertain terms, to come over.  That evening we were together again.

As we all know, Fil’s cancer was serious from the beginning.  Maybe six months, they said.

In July 2001 the Board of the HERS Breast Cancer Foundation, of which I am co-founder along with Cheryl Maloney, desired to ask Fil to be Honorary Co-Chair of our 5K walk/run event—held on the last Saturday of September, yet were hesitant for two reasons:

1. We didn’t want to stress Fil by asking too much of her;

2. And, we couldn’t bear the thought of loving, and losing, another dear friend.

A few days later I went to the Gelfuso home.

Sitting on the sofa next to Fil, I put my hand on her knee and asked: “Will you be Co-Chair, along with Bernie Dutra, of our KEEP ABREAST walk?”  I will never forget her response.  With tears in her eyes she said:  “I have been praying to God that if I survive this, please show me how I can give back; how I can do something for others.” 

There’s no IF about it.  Fil did survive and she did indeed do so much for others.

In our work, newly diagnosed women will ask—“when am I considered to be a ‘survivor?’—Once I finish the treatments? Or, when I reach the five year mark?”  After eight years now of walking with women facing breast cancer, my answer is this:  Surviving begins every moment that we choose life. 

I have learned that ‘Surviving’ doesn’t mean we don’t get frustrated, or scared.  It means truly living the ups and downs of life, not letting the circumstances of life deaden us long before our last breath.

It was after my client and friend Rumaiza died, in 1999, that this eternal meaning of Survivor came clear to me.  I found myself wondering—how could she suddenly not be a survivor, when she lived life so boldly?  I realized then that surviving is not about how long a person lives; it’s about HOW we live; how we each embrace cancer, embrace disappointment, and how we embrace each other every day of our lives.

Fil survived cancer because it never killed her courage, her passion, her love.  Just eight weeks ago she popped into the office to get more posters to take to her Fremont Unified School District friends.  She was unstoppable! 

Fil was Co-Chair not only for our 2^nd annual but the 3^rd and 4^th annual events as well.  She engaged life, no matter what the odds.  Family and friends have already been telling me, in these past few days, that they will be there next year because they want to walk together, in Fil’s memory, her loving spirit at their side. 

This past September, when Fil and Bernie were on the stage, Bernie shared about the importance of living ‘in the moment;’ of paying attention to the NOW; to what is in front of us.  I thank Fil for her ability to say ‘yes’ to each moment of her life.  And I thank God for giving each of us at the HERS Foundation the grace that was needed to not forsake that moment in July 2001 of letting Fil enter into our hearts.  We are the ones whose unspoken prayer was answered by Fil’s presence in our lives--not only for six months but for 2 ½ years.

Fil and Tony were also invaluable board members until Fil’s health became too fragile. What a joy for all of us who collaborated with her.  Her smile was contagious; her gracious heart penetrating; her enthusiasm and profound simplicity astounding.  Her creativity and passion were a perfect fit for helping us grow as a community organization reaching out to others.  Fil—you will forever be inspiring our work.  You are the ‘wind beneath our wings.’ You are the master craftswoman who has beautifully woven many, many lives together.  We will always love you.

And Tony, Mark, Brian and family—you forever have a place in our hearts; in our lives.

God bless you

Tribute to Fil

November 3, 2003
Written and presented by Brother Richard

I AM PRIVILEGED TO BE ASKED TO SHARE A  REFLECTION ABOUT FIL GELFUSO.

THERE IS  A QUOTATION FROM A  FRENCH PLAYWRITE WHO WROTE: “ EACH ONE OF US DIES TOO SOON OR TOO LATE.” THAT SEEMS SO TRUE ABOUT FIL LEAVING  US SO SOON. IT CERTAINLY REMINDS US  THAT GOD’S HAS HIS  PLAN, FOR EACH OF US.. AND THAT OUR LIFE & DEATH IS IN HIS HANDS AND HIS PLAN WILL ALWAYS  REMAIN A MYSTERY…THAT DEMANDS OUR FAITH TO UNDERSTAND.

BUT OUR MEMORIES ARE PRECIOUS AND POWERFUL IN ASSISTING US TO LIVE WITH THAT WHICH WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND. WITH AFFECTION AND LOVE,  EACH OF US HAS OUR MEMORIES OF AN EXTRAORDINARY LADY AND A BEAUTIFUL  PERSON ….. LIKE FIL. SHE WAS A HUMAN STORY…. A STORY OF  SPIRIT AND HOPE … A STORY OF COURAGE.

SHE WAS ONE OF THE BEST… SHINING ABOVE THE REST.  SHE TOUCHED OUR HEARTS  GIVING  US A  SENSE OF PRIDE KNOWING  HER. FIL REACHED OUT & TOUCHED US WITH HER LOVE, HER PRESENCE, HER CARING  & HER FRIENDSHIP. 

WE ARE HONORED BEING A PART OF HER LIFE….SHARING LOTS OF FUN AND HAPPY TIMES  AND MANY MEMORIES OF THE CHERISHED PAST.. SHE WILL CONTINUE  TO BE WITH US .. WITH MEMORIES AND STORIES  REMEMBERED AND TOLD AT FUTURE GATHERINGS TO COME.

THE PAST 3 YEARS OF FIL’S LIFE WERE PROVIDENTIALLY AND SIGNIFICANTLY MOST IMPORTANT. THESE WERE  YEARS THAT DEMANDED  PERSONAL COURAGE AND HOPE… AND WHEN COMBINED WITH THE COURAGE AND HOPE OF TONY, MARK AND BRIAN.  THEY ALL EXPERIENCED A LOVE FOR EACH OTHER,  DEEPER THAN AT ANY OTHER TIME IN THEIR LIVES.  THAT WAS A SPECIAL  LOVE THAT FUSED INTO THE STRONGEST OF BOND FOR THEM IN EMBRACING FIL’S  SICKNESS & SUFFERING.

FIL’S JOURNEY OF LIFE HAS BEEN A STORY OF COURAGE.  BUT LET US NOT FORGET….THAT ON A JOURNEY.. IT  IS NOT THE DESTINATION THAT COUNTS.. BUT IT IS  THE JOURNEY ITSELF THAT IS IMPORTANT AND HOW AND WHAT  IT TOOK TO GET THERE.

FIL’S JOURNEY WAS ALWAYS A JOURNEY OF HOPE  & FAITH…HER JOURNEY WAS NEVER AS A  VICTIM WITH  SELF-PITY OR COMPLAINT.   HER EXTRAORDINARY JOURNEY WAS  MEETING THE  DAILY CHALLENGES OF LIFE AND THE COUNTLESS  THERAPIES TO REGAIN HER HEALTH, ALWAYS  WITH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE, ACCEPTING  HER CONDITION AND…. SUFFERING IN THE SILENCE OF HER HEART.

IN SPITE OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES,   HER HAPPINESS AND JOY WERE EVER PRESENT AS SHE SHARED HER SENSE OF HUMOR AND LAUGHTER WITH US. HER JOURNEY WAS LIVED IN ACCEPTING GOD’S WILL… IN THE STRENGTH OF HIS HOLY SPIRIT.

HER FAITH WAS HER CONSCIENCE & COMPASS… HER HOPE WAS HER POWER….AND HER LOVE WAS HER BEAUTY.  NOW SHE ENJOYS THE REALITY OF GOD’S PROMISES TO THOSE WHO LOVED  HIM.   SHE LOVED HER GOD AND HE LOVED HER… SO MUCH.. THAT HE BLESSED AND SHARED  HER  SUFFERINGS WITH HIS OWN. SHE IS IN HIS ETERNAL EMBRACE…. FIL IS AT  PEACE …… HER JOURNEY, THOUGH NOT EASY, IS NOW COMPLETE.. WITH THE BLESSINGS OF A NEW BEGINNING.. THAT EACH OF US STILL SEEKS.

OUR HEARTS STILL MAY FEEL WOUNDED AND OUR EYES STILL TEARFUL…FIL WAS VERY SPECIAL TO EACH OF US. SO NOW  LET US REJOICE AND CELEBRATE HER GLORY.  SHE WILL ALWAYS BE   PRESENT WITH HER  SPECIAL LOVE FOR TONY, MARK & BRIAN,  FOR HER FAMILY & RELATIVES AND WE… HER FRIENDS..

SHE  SAW US AS HER BLESSINGS AND GIFTS AS PART OF HER STRENGTH & SUPPORT ON HER COURAGEOUS JOURNEY.

CAN YOU JUST IMAGINE OUR LORD GOD WHEN HE GREETED FIL… SAYING  SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO HER… FIL….I MYSELF HAVE DREAMED A DREAM WITHIN YOU. GOOD DREAMS CAME FROM ME YOU KNOW. MY DREAMS I GAVE TO YOU MAY HAVE BEEN  HARD TO UNDERSTAND AND MAY HAVE SEEMED IMPOSSIBLE.. NOT TOO PRACTICAL… AND NOT FOR THE CAUTIOUS WOMAN, A LITTLE RISKY SOMETIMES. SOME OF MY FRIENDS  PREFERRED TO REST MORE COMFORTABLY, IN SOUNDER SLEEP AND REST…WITH VISIONLESS EYES.

BUT FROM THOSE LIKE YOU FIL…WHO SHARED MY DREAMS…YOU GAVE ME YOUR PATIENCE, YOUR STRENGTH….YOU  SHARED YOUR HUMOR…YOU GAVE YOUR COURAGE WITH A LISTENING HEART.

THEN .. I DID THE REST… AS YOU RISKED AND DARED WITH MY DREAM WHICH BECAME YOUR DREAM. YOU MET ME OFTEN AS YOU WORKED..

YOU MET ME IN YOUR FAMILY, IN YOUR COMPANIONS…YOU MET ME IN YOUR FRIENDS WHO BELIEVED IN YOU ENOUGH TO LEND YOU THEIR OWN DREAMS, THEIR OWN HANDS, THEIR OWN HEARTS….EVERYONE CARED AND LOVED YOU.

I SENT PEOPLE TO FIND YOUR DOORWAY… AND TO STAY AWHILE… THEY MARVELED AT YOUR COURAGE AND HOPE… ENOUGH TO WALK AWAY, KNOWING THEY, TOO,  COULD HOPE &  CAN FIND THEIR  OWN DREAM.

I SENT YOU SUN-FILLED DAYS AND SOMETIMES I SENT YOU RAIN…BOTH CAME FROM ME.

SO NOW COME TO ME FIL.. BE CONTENT AND HAPPY … IT WAS ALWAYS MY DREAM YOU DREAMED, IT WAS ALWAYS MY HOUSE YOU BUILT, IT WAS ALWAYS MY CARING YOU GAVE AND WITNESSED.

IT WAS ALWAYS MY LOVE YOU SHARED WITH EVERYONE….AND THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE HEART OF THE MATTER. 
 

Tribute to Fil

November 3, 2003
Written and presented by Husband Tony

I'll never forget the first time I met Fil.  I had given her brother, Jim, a ride home while I was in San Francisco.  At the house I met Jim's father who asked me to come inside.  While I was being introduced to his mom and several members of the family, I noticed someone coming down the stairs. "Hi!  I'm Fil," she said, giving me the greatest smile I had ever seen. Honestly, it was love at first sight.  I asked her out to go bowling, dated her, and we were married six months later.

All of us here tonight remember her smile.  She was so gracious to everyone she met.  Family, friends, co-workers, and even people who first met Fil commented on how comfortable she made them feel.  During our marriage our lives were blessed with two great sons, Mark and Brian, who were Fil's pride and joy.  She taught them well with her love and courage, her faith in God, and her patience in dealing with others.  I could not have gotten through these last two weeks without their strength and support.

Fil had that artistic gift that could turn a rock into a beautiful work of art. She turned our house into a home filled with precious mementos of her craft.  Holidays and special events seemed to energize she and her club friends in creating numerous artifacts for any occasion.

Fil was definitely the strong one of the family.  Her courage and strength took over when she was first diagnosed with cancer.  The disease spread so quickly that it metastasized from her breast into her liver.  Initially she was given two to four months to live.  I cried my eyes out but she took hold of my hand and comforted me telling me that we were going to fight this thing and she is not going to lie around waiting to die.  For almost three years with weekly visits of chemotherapy and then radiation, her doctors were amazed at her progress.  Our family had great hope that she was going to beat this dreaded illness.  Her sisters and friends threw her a hat and tea party due to the fact that she was losing her beautiful hair.  Fil handled her hair loss with dignity and humor always joking about her crazy hats, caps, or even some of the wigs that made her look like Harpo Marx. 

Those three last years of fighting cancer brought Fil and I closer to each other than any other time in our marriage.  We never left each other's side.  We laughed more, hugged and kissed more, and literally smelled the flowers each and every morning.  Watching her go through treatment after treatment, never complaining, was an inspiration to all of us.  She was in pain, especially the last three weeks of her life.  She never let on that she was hurting because Fil did not want us to worry.  She always cared about others before herself.  She did not want us to suffer her pain.

Fil had a deep faith in God.  Her relatives always called her their "Little Angel" due to her sweet disposition. She prayed to her guardian angel every night and morning for support and courage to get through the day. All of you will note her favorite prayer is on the prayer card that was on the table when you arrived.  While she was sick, it was amazing the number of angel statues that friends brought over to look after her.  Even the mortuary chapel's name is Chapel of the Angels.  Just as in life while guarding her family, now in death will Fil continue to be our guardian angel.

Fil was named after the patron saint and early Christian martyr, Saint Filomena.  But a number of years ago, the catholic church researched their records to find that several so-called saints never existed.  One of those names was Filomena.  I used to tease her that her namesake was no saint at all.  I discovered throughout our marriage how wrong I was.  Fil is my saint.  She is my strength to carry on her legacy of love and compassion toward others.  I want all of you to know that we can now pray to a real Saint Filomena for courage to fight our daily battles.  She has been truly an inspiration.  Fil and her contagious smile will always be with us.  We all have been blessed by having had her in our lives.